Ask MB

Communication Skills: 6 Ingredients To Communicate Without Being Rude


Today's question comes from a housewife from Dahod, Gujrat (India)… and the question is

Q: "How to control anger and speak open heartedly without being rude"?

This is a small, yet powerful question and to answer I had to go to my teaching board.

It’s amazing that all of us want to speak open heartedly and not be rude…. But still, we get angry and land up either not saying what we want or saying too much, if you know what I mean...

1. Ingredient #1 Accept: When you're angry about something, you need to accept whatever is happening in front of you or the behavior, an event or an experience you might not like, but the ingredient is to accept. I am not saying accept in a way that you are okay with what happened but still, to deal with the situation effectively you want to accept it.

2. Ingredient #2 Ask: Once you accept, then ask a question enquiring why somebody did something or did not do something and ask the question appropriately without being angry. You want information as to why something happened or why something did not happen. The other person gets an opportunity to explain the situation or circumstances and makes them feel as if you are willing to listen.

3. Ingredient #3 Listen: After you have asked the question, then you need to listen for why that behavior was produced or not produced. This will give you information to deal with that person or situation or experience in a better way.

4. Ingredient #4 Volume: Once you have the information then begin communicating with a soft voice. It is important that the volume remains soft and not loud which can offend the other person, so the 4th ingredient is to keep control on your volume.

5. Ingredient #5 Context: When you start communicating you need to communicate on the situation in hand and not talk about the past experiences of the person's behavior or something which is not relevant to the situation in hand. So keep the communication in the context of what you are wanting to deal with.

6. Ingredient #6 Words: Choose your words carefully, everything matters on the words you used while communicating open heartedly. Do not use foul language or abusive words. Use words like I trust you, I believe in you, I know you can do better, let's give it another shot, you are more than what you are behaving, you have the potential... these are motivational words which help to communicate open heartedly.

So next time when you communicate and you feel angry, stop and add these 6 ingredients and you will see how the communication from anger, rude turns into a more healthy effective and loving communication.

Let me know what you think and if you agree or disagree. What strategy do you use to communicate effectively?

- Murtaza


Hello and welcome to the life transformation blog.

Today's question is an interesting one. It comes from a housewife from Dahod, Gujarat. She asks,

How to control anger, speak open-heartedly without being rude?

When I read this question, I realized it's a small question but has a lot of elements. And it had to be answered with a board. So here we are with mine and my team's creativity.

We have broken the question to three parts. Most of the times, we do have this question in different formats. We all want to express ourselves open heartedly but something happens and we land up being rude. We know we don't want to be rude. This is a very well put question.

A) Control Anger
Everybody gets angry. We do, don't we? Something happens and we get pissed. This is actually a million dollar question - how do I control my anger? To control the anger, you need to:

1. Accept: Accept what? The situation, event, the communication or behavior. Now this behavior could be of your children, spouse, in-laws, employees, or society or even a friend.
Whatever is happening in terms of reaction, the reason we get angry is because we don't accept
it. We are not able to accept the behavior and we rage, 'Why are they behaving that way?'

2. Ask: Ask a question to the person you are angry on or about. If somebody is doing something, and you get angry then rather than reacting to the situation or being disrespectful and angry, ask a question.

‘Why is it that you are behaving this way, or why are you doing this or why are you not doing this. Why can't you be polite?’ End it with a question mark. Ask it very politely. After acceptance, this is the next step. For kids, you might need to get a little bit detailed. The question will help in two ways. One it will allow you some time and allow the other person to explain the why behind their behavior.

3. Listen: When you ask the question, you want to listen. This is the best one. When we are pissed, we react and boom! Everybody is screaming and yelling, nobody is speaking heart to heart. People get rude and it becomes a mess.

Ask a question and listen for the answer. The person gets an opportunity to explain. The process works same for everyone. Once it allows you to understand what happened, your next response should be talking to that person.

B) Speak Open Heartedly

1. Volume: Keep it low. The only way to express open heartedly without being rude is to have control over your volume. When you are talking to your child, high volume creates a lot of negativity. The child tends to step back and you're not able to express. True for other people as well. Keep it low.

It will help you be straight in communicating. There's a misconception THAT if you want to show authority, have a loud volume. That's completely untrue. High volume so does not mean authority.

2. Context: Speaking with low volume and context is very important. So talk about what you are really talking about. Don't jump from topic to topic. When it goes out of context, it gets haywire and doesn't mean effective communication. Do not carry the past or bring in the skeletons from the past.

3. Words: In order to express yourself with respect, please make sure you use your words, vocabulary, language appropriately. Don't use slang, abusive language, or offensive. Choose your words respectfully.

These are very important to speak open-heartedly when you are angry. Because in anger, you tend to screw up the volume, context and words. Once you get them right, you are not rude.


C) Without Being Rude

And what you need to do for this is


Hahaha. Got you there.

You don't have anything to do further if you accept, ask and listen. Follow that with an appropriate volume, respectful and low (not very high or not even too soft), stick to the context and using good language. This allows you to speak open-heartedly and the end answer is if you are using these tools, you will not be rude.

What you will feel is Alive and Fearless if you follow these steps.

I hope you got your answer. I hope it helps you put your point forward without being rude. Anger can really hurt everybody. Nobody wants to be angry, nobody likes to be angry but we just do and then regret.

Follow these steps.
Stay Alive and Fearless.
Dream Big. Stay Strong.

If you need to ask me a question, post it in the comments below; I personally respond to all the comments. Thank you for watching. See you in the next video.